Try Reading This Without Laughing
08-17-2008 | 09:58 AM
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From: port huron mi
Vehicle: 2000 hyundai tiburon
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every
woman needs something to protect herself with, right?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target; I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel
compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped
on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every
woman needs something to protect herself with, right?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target; I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel
compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped
on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
