My posting my essay because it has to be one of the best essays I have ever written. It is the essay for my general application for pharmacy school. I would like everyone to take 10 minutes read and critique my essay. I am open for suggestions.

Please do not ask me to add anything without removing anything because I am already 200 words over the limit!!!

The paragraph with the ????? in front of it is the paragraph I like the least. The wording is awkward but it contains vital information that I would like to include in my essay!

This is what my essay is suppose to include:
Your Personal Essay should address why you selected pharmacy as a career and how the Doctor of Pharmacy degree relates to your immediate and long-term professional goals. Describe how your personal, educational, and professional background will help you achieve your goals. The personal essay is an important part of your application for admission and provides you with an opportunity for you to clearly and effectively express your ideas.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I was in high school I knew I wanted to become a successful, recognized member of society. I enjoyed technology and learning about new advances in the enormous world of science. Unfortunately, I lacked the backing and support of my family to pursue anything in the field of science. Coming from a single parent household that I shared with three brothers and sisters it was not easy at times. In high school, I found myself quitting sports and extracurricular activities because I had to be home to make dinner, clean the house and help my siblings with their homework. When I graduated high school, I decided to attend a technical school to get a degree in graphic design because I felt this was all I could do.

In March of 2008, I could not have been more excited about graduating from Berks Technical Institute with a degree in graphic design. Eager to start my new career, I graduated in March and began my job search. I applied to every job I came upon. Months later, after numerous job applications and interviews with no call backs, I decided I needed to reevaluate. So many employers were hesitant to hire someone without experience. Given the downward spiral of the economy, who could blame them? However, I found myself like every new graduate; eager to work and learn, but lacking in experience. I asked myself, “Is this really all I can be?”

????????????At that time, I had been employed at Walmart where I worked for nearly four years. I started at the very bottom in several different departments within the store and eventually became a Customer Service Manager at the age of 18, the youngest Customer Service Manager at the store! Eventually in February of 2008, I decided to try something new and transfer to the pharmacy. I quickly picked up the basics for deciphering and filling prescriptions.

At that time, Walmart did not have a full-time pharmacist. Instead, pharmacists from other stores would fill in. This is how I met Randy Bierly, the man who changed my life forever. Randy, a fill in pharmacist, noticed how quickly I picked up everything in the pharmacy. He began suggesting that I go to pharmacy school and showed me the numerous job opportunities that follow. At first I thought this man had to be crazy because in high school, I did not have the grades of a scholar and lacked the support. Put quite simply, I felt that I did not have the aptitude to get the grades required to get into any pharmacy program. However, given the aforementioned lull in graphic design employment, he convinced me to consider the possibility of a career in pharmacology.

At this point, I am currently enrolled in the Natural Science program at Delaware County Community College (DCCC) and feel that I am now on the right track to accomplishing my goals. I plan to take the solid background I have learned at DCCC and apply it to a pharmacology program. Today, more then ever, I am determined to get there. Over the past two years, I have proven to myself that I am capable of doing anything if I put my mind to it. This could not be more apparent because every semester at DCCC I have been enrolled in 15-19 credits a semester, maintained a GPA well above my high school GPA while working full-time in a high volume retail pharmacy. In addition, I live in Morgantown Pennsylvania which is forty miles away from DCCC’s main campus. My drive everyday is a little over an hour one way. However, I look at this as a small sacrifice to make as I continue on this journey of becoming a pharmacist.

The Doctor of Pharmacy degree will add greatly to the prior knowledge of pharmacology I have acquired while working in a retail pharmacy for two years. During my time in the pharmacy, I have constantly asked the pharmacists questions about classes of drugs and why certain drugs react differently. I find their answers to be fascination. Not only have I performed the usual technician responsibilities such as handling insurance companies, interpreting and filling prescriptions, I have compounded several prescriptions under the pharmacists supervision.

Nothing makes me happier then seeing the customer walk away from the pharmacy counter with a full understanding of what their medication is doing for them. Working in a retail pharmacy has showed me that even though at the end of day there were over 400 prescriptions filled, every customer counts. It is the pharmacists responsibility to make sure the patient gets the correct medication and is fully educated on their medication. Physicians are too busy with huge inquiries in the waiting room to even begin to take the time to talk to their patients about their medications. Pharmacists are responsible for thousands of patients lives everyday and I am ready to join thousands of other pharmacists who hold this responsibility.

 

This is a lot better than i could ever do, great job.

 

thanks! smile.gif greatly appreciated.

 

I would wright the paragraph in question something like this....

With my future looking quite uncertain I decided to explore different options. I was currently employed by Walmart as an associate and had been so for nearly four years. I started as a basic associate working between multiple departments but, I had eventually worked my way up the ladder to the position of Customer Service Manager at the age of eighteen. This was not an easy task as I was the youngest associate to receive the position of Customer Service Manager. In February of 2008, I decided to expand further and try another department of the store that I was quite interested in which was the pharmacy. I quickly learned the proper processes and techniques to decipher and fill prescriptions. This showed me I may have another direction to go.

Just a suggestion.... Looks pretty good at a quick glance... good job...

 

very nice rework of that paragraph. thanks!

 

Should it be I am currently employed not I was currently. Was is past tense, currently is present.

 

well first, i have to say that you've got me a bit frightened. i'm a graphic design major too. i hope it's not a waste of time or a bad choice... but i plan to apply to grad school for Masters of Industrial Design... still it's not a good field.

there are ways to shorten your essay by removing words that have already been repeated, such as:

get rid of (DCCC), once you have stated the name at the beginning, they will know what it stands for.

"this could not be more apparent because every semester at DCCC I have been enrolled in 15-19 credits a semester" --get rid of "every semester" and change "a semester" to "per semester"

"while working in a retail pharmacy for two years. During my time in the pharmacy," --instead of that, say "during this time"

you want to make it shorter. sort of like a business proposal. they don't and will not read long papers.