A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b**** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

 

I'll try to translate it from russian.

3 policemen were boating. Policemen didn't know how to swim. Boat turned upside-down. How many policemen drowned?




Answer: 6 policemen drowned - 3 policemen when boating and 3 policemen during investigation.

-----------------------------
Late night. Two policemen patroling their area and suddenly they saw a man hanged himself on a tree. One cop say: "Let's hang (move) that dead body on a next tree, that tree is not in our patroling area.". So did they.

Two hours later.
Another two policemen patrolin their area. And suddenly one cop say: "Hey, Bob, look that dead man is hanging here again!!!".

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left arm and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken."

 

Successful Sons

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now he owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend of his a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend of his a large stock portfolio as a gift."

The fourth man finishes his phone call and heads to the tee box. The other three smile and smugly explain they had been talking about how successful the progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, the fourth man continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio.

------------------------

Life is all about ASS:

You're either
covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a peice of it,
or behaving like one.

 

"Men don't like nice cars, Men like nice cars because women like nice cars....."

"Hey nice Porsche.....GOT YA B!TCH!!!"

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" be boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded the old man replied "No."

"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man, "Someone else must have shot that bear!"

The doctor turned to the old man and said "That's kinda what I'm getting at....."

-----------------------

A farmer goes out on day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "YOu can't handle all these chickens...... look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...... just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" says the young rooster.

"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." replies the old rooster.

The young rooster boasts "You know I'm going to beat you old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in the back of the farm house, a chicken clucked "GO!" and the old rooster took off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gainnig fast.

The farmer, sitting on the front porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun, and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. Sadly, he shakes his head and mutters, "Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this week!!"

 

The Blonde Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette had come up with a master plan to rob a bank. After reviewing their duties they headed to the car. They arrived at the bank, and the blonde got out. As she did the brunette yelled out " Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" She waited and waited, and waited, and waited.

Then all of a sudden an alarm sounded and she looked to see the blonde burst out of the front door pulling the safe behind her with a rope. A moment later a security guard came out with his pants around his ankles trying to reach for his gun.

Desperately the blonde attempted to lift the safe into the car. Finally she just dropped the safe and got in the car. The two took off down the road. "What the hell happened in there?!?! Yelled the brunette. Panting, the blonde choked out, "What to you mean?, I followed the plan exactly!"

"You Idiot! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!"

----------------------------------

The Fishing Trip

A woman was lying in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

"Hello?" she says cheery like, "Oh hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

When she hangs up the phone her lover asked who it was.

"Oh, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he is having on his fishing trip with you."

-------------------------

C'mon I can't be the only one with these things coming in.

 

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on

the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw

you from behind and be on my way!"



The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up

and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."



An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said " That Son-Of-A-b**** had $500 in Quarters.

 

lol.gif LMAO!!! that was funny!

 

LOL..that was a good one!!