There are three Irish men who drink every Tuesday night together at a pub, I moves to America but to keep them in mind he orders 3 drinks every Tuesday night.
I day the man starts to order only 2 drinks. finallly the bar tender asks him if 1 of his friends died. He said no his made him stop drinking

 

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits down asking the bartender for a drink. The bartender points to a sign on the wall that says, "We do not serve strings here." The string gets up and goes to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, the string ties itself into a knot and messes up its hair. The string sits back down at the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey. aren't you that same string that was just in here?" The string looks at him insulted and says, "NO! I'm afraid not!" (also taken as "No, I'm a FRAYED KNOT...for those of us that are a little slow on the draw wink1.gif )

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So there's this doctor walking around a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked in behind his ear...
Finally an older gentleman looks at him and asks..."doc, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear??"
The doctor replies..."DAMNIT!!! Some a$$hole has my pen!"

 

I got this from one of my cop freinds this morning. I think the females here will enjoy it more than the guys. But i thought it was funny.....especially since he didnt send it to his wife, lmao.

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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their ass.


*The results were pretty interesting:


*1) 85% of women think their ass is too big...

*2) 10% of women think their ass is too little...

*3) The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

 

OK since this thread was started for/because of me, I'd better put something in it laugh.gif:

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says 'Can you please come quick, my house is on fire and will be demolished if you don't save it!'
The fireman asks "How do we get there?"
"Hellloooooo", the blonde replies, "in the fu--ing big red truck!"

 

ROTF LMFAO @ talking dog. That was GREAT!!!

 

11th Time The charm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. How can that be if you've been married ten times?

Well Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn'! t wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
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There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

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[size=2]A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you! that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado
oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super
absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

^^^ woo-woo
rofl3.gif

 

ok yall... This is a little dirty but funny as hell. some may have heard it before.



Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says
"Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

 

a few jokes I heard lately (note these are crude):

What used to be black, is now white, and comes in little cans?


Michael Jackson.



A Rabii, a dozen schoolboys and Michael Jackson are on a plane, when one of the engines cuts out, the plane is going to crash. There are only 6 parachutes.

Selfishly, the pilots and flight attendants grab 4 of the chutes. The Rabii looks back at the kids, and says "f*ck the kids" as he grabs parachute #5.

Michael Jackson stops the rabii and asks him "Are you sure there's still time?"